Sadists

He worships her aura, he worships her floral youthful spirit,
he sees the divine innuendo she gives off as she walks by him.

She was one of those for him, whose similar he had never met;
except for the sadist in him that lurked deep within.

She was his goddess, and he, her only deity;
locked up in a dark room she lies waiting for his offerings.

Her lips are dry and her hands are weak,
From all the love he made to her, with her chained and stripped.

Her eyes are strained from all the darkness she is in,
It’s been 12 days straight since she saw light or even a beam.

But wait, is that a smile, and glowing eyes?
She likes, no, loves the way he is;

the pain is the passion she never found and the darkness her new belief.
He says not much as he feeds her with his own hands,

“I’ll never let you go” the maniac smile he smiled.
“I wont leave this room” she promised a surreal truth that night.

He starts again his sacred act for her love,
He loves to see her scream and how in tears she burst.

It satiates her as she digs her nails,
And she sees his blood gush away.

He leaves his goddess to rest till he waits, he’ll be back again,
Craving for more each day.

She lie half dead, her smile still intact and inside her mind she says:
“tomorrow he’ll love me more, but I hope it was softer today,

But, tomorrow he’ll love me more,

and for this love I’ll stay here all day”

Pure Scars

I wake up in the middle of the night

And I see you tucked right beside me deep in your sleep.
My eyes are no more drowsy as I stare at your face and those lips I so often kiss.

Your skin is fair and there are a few scratches that I left from the night before,
I run my fingers through my neck to feel the bruise of your love.

I smile, it’s our first night in the same bed and i have no idea what you are dreaming about,
I only lay next to you playing our little game over and over again inside my head.


I see your neck and the two moles over your bright skin.
I know what it’s like to touch your warmth, or run my lips through your chest and feel your heart beat.

I see your broad chest and those strong arms and your face so close and above,
And I know how safe it feels to be under your shadow as you dominate my love.

I can hear you breathe faster with every kiss as you run your hands all over me and your feet play with mine;
our wet bodies camouflaged into one, that’s when our souls collide.

We say no words, our moans are the only noise that echoes in the room
And I grow stronger every second, as I keep wanting you more.

I come back to the present, you are still in your sleep,
What brought me back was you taking my name in your sleep.

I smile wide as I slowly shift more to your side to give my soul your satisfaction,
I touch your face to make sure it really happened and you are not just a figment of my imagination.

Our little lusty night I will nurture forever,
Along with the marks you left on my body, the thoughts of pure lust still make me shiver.

I will think of how you held me tight  yet loved me soft,
Till we make love another time filled with ecstasy and more.

Once more I will spend the night staying awake with no sleep covering my eyes,
And watch you sleep peacefully and fall in love with you more.

Bad Relationships

Life is a loop of good gone bad and bad gone good and Karma is what holds the key to this abusive loop. If you’ve started catching up with reality, you already must have started hating your life. Life is like a mall. Everything is so pretty when you’re just walking around. It soothes you to see all the glittering Vogue, the glowing Mufti bags, the Adidas shoes, the Victoria Secret bras, the smell of cotton recently out from mills, the finely spun silk made scarves… ( sorry, got carried away here!). It’s a dream to be in this heaven. But only when it’s time to pay the bill that you realise which one’s worth the price and which one’s gonna tear off when needed. Life, that bitch.

Life would (read that could) have been so much better with no heartbreaks. In case if you’ve never had one, it’s like buying a new pair of kitten heels for 3000 bucks without return policy and later realising that it was “Taryn Rose” with an extra ‘a’. The pain is lot worse but I’m guessing you understand. Coming to the point, I just need you to know that you can’t blame life because of people. Or you can’t blame people because of situations. The blame game would never end unless you just get along it and smile. All you can blame life for is because it’s too short to actually hold on to shit feelings. Maybe you got issues with your mother because she just isn’t what you want. But, at least you have one. Many out there talk to photographs hoping somehow the picture would talk back. I have seen people complaining how much they hate their moms. But trust me, it’s not a bad relationship. It’s just a rough patch. I know your heart breaks to go through those fights but if you just breathe in and talk more often to her, you’ll both understand each other.

I have seen boys awkward out in front of their dads like he’s from some other planet. Trust me, he must have carried you on your shoulders when you were hardly 15 kgs and run around to your laughs. It must be hard for you to believe, but yea, that grumpy old man who you hardly talk to loves you more than your friends ever could. He must stop you at your every step and be a complete meanie at times, but like I said, one meaningful conversation can change a boring weekend to an exciting trip. Okay maybe that’s a bit too far fetched, but trust me, life could be better. I’ve seen siblings fall out. Sometimes those playful fights turn out too vicious and before you know it, siblings turn enemies. Perhaps we all needed only a bit of love to fix these predicaments, but somewhere ego is  the wall that never lets us ask for it.

Heartbreaks. No. It’s not only something we feel when an amorous bond breaks. It’s the feeling your mother feels when you snap back even when she talks in her lightest tones, when she has to eat alone because you are too busy liking pictures on instagram of some celebrity doing a hot pose. It’s the feeling your father gets when he is back from work and he wished he could discuss the day with you but you just wouldn’t stop being awkward around him. It’s the feeling your son gets when he sees you being so strict that you won’t even let him move without your consent. It’s the feeling that your daughter feels when she is alone in her room writing about heartbreaks and you’ll never know that her pillow has wiped tears that you should have. It’s how two siblings feel sitting on the same table yet sharing no words and inhaling words of hatred for each other because they went to different colleges and distance made them forget the good past they once had. Heartbreak is when a spouse is betraying the trust while the other is unknown to whatever is happening.

Heartbreaks happen in everybody’s life. There is no stopping to it because people do make mistakes. Sometimes situations lead them and sometimes their wrong conscience. We hurt, we break. Bad relations happen. But bad relations can be mended. A good conversation if you really really feel the person is worth it is what it takes to make things better. They must be dying to have you back in their lives, and have you smile at their jokes often. Even if the jokes suck, you’ll laugh because it was cracked by those amazing people who want you, adore you and of course, Love you. Heartbreaks happen because of a reason. It’s not easy to forget them or move on like nothing happened. You just need to mend your heart and re bind up with people who are so dear to you, because life is short and I would never want to hold on to negativities to my death bed. I want to die smiling like an ugly idiot, without regrets and without unfinished business.

Unrequited Heart

A song for you my beloved,
A song I never want you to hear,
Yet here I am jotting words,
Words I’ll leave on this parchment.

One day you’ll find this, and with this my sweet little pain,
The pain to have never told you that you were all I thought about all day,
And about the sparks you made me feel.

This pain has marked wounds on my aimless soul,
But I shall never let them heal,
For I have made them immortal,
Through this little song- it’s my portal.

There’s a note on my window of this ruined castle
One I left years ago to let you know,
That I have pictures of you from the day we met,
You looked like spring even on a winter weather,
It was all that took for me to be complete.

I’ve seen her, the girl you loved,
And I’ve seen how you often look at her,
The same shiny eyes are yours,
The same like mine but when I look at you.

I shall leave this photograph so that you get a clue,
Of how much you’ve helped me grow and how much I’ve loved you,
It’s a hopeless try,
Though I never want you to know.

It’s an endless line
Of fragments of storeys of flaws in me,
So never come to this ruined castle,
Never find me.
I wish you forever stay unknown to this little parchment ,
And these beautiful memories I’m harbouring.

It’s best if you never know,
Never know this bitter sweet yet beautiful pain I feel.

The Haunting Love Escapade

It’s been a month since you left me for the other girl.

I spent three weeks lying on the floor.

The beer bottles are still scattered under my bed,

And my clothes smell still like alcohol.

I still look out of my window pane,

Hoping to see that smile which can erase my pain.

It’s been three months since you left me as you were tired of my love.

I have started coming out of my silent temper,

And started smiling more and this time for real,

I often leave my little suffocated room

To feel the freshened weather.

When I’m back home I look at all those pictures of us,

And burst into tears in the darkened room filled with your memories and pessimistic passion.

It’s been six months since you left saying I was too clingy.

I cry lesser and I re learned to laugh like before,

I am slowly finding myself from amidst the paths of misery.

The tempest in me is sober and warm,

The colors in me have slowly returned.

Yet, I look at my phone still waiting for a call,

Still wondering what went so wrong.

It’s been ten months since you left me after your infidelity was caught.

I met a new man right down the same coffee shop,

The one where we promised to go together but never really could,

Because I was too blind to see the lies,

And you were too clever to conceal the truth.

I thought about all those moments we shared,

When he smiled at me from across the room.

It’s been a year since you left me after that dreadful fight.

I have met a new man, oh yes, I told you so.

The scars you left are too deep for me to trust another man.

But he makes me laugh till late at night,

And builds me up, slowly fading you from my mind.

My heart is still distracted by your thoughts,

But, slowly, I know it will heal too.

It’s been a year and two months since you left for reasons unknown.

He made love to me last night in his sweet, tender moans.

It was beautiful but your face was all I thought about,

Your face that so clearly I remember,

How you cringed your face in elation or breathed on my skin in exasperation.

He knows I’m still holding on to the history you and I shared even if I’ve never told him so,

He knows yet always loves me back and gestures with loving kisses on my sorrows.

Its been a long time since you left me in despair,

He and I got married today.

I never think much about you anymore,

Then why did you come to my head,

When I said “I do” over the aisle while I was with him instead.

It’s been forever since you left me hollow from within.

I have had grandkids and I’m dug deep under the ground,

My soul wandering till infinity still searching for answers,

Answers to question I could never ask or have the courage to know.

But what still puts my long lifeless heart in notion,

Is wondering if even for a second you felt like i did,

Or was it just me all along?

The Protagonist

WP4Phone_20180613114103_0An untold bundle of stories lie

Beneath that face which forever smiles.

An unravelled mystery are his eyes

That speak many emotions at one time.

It’s hard to understand if you look too closely,

But if you sit back and try you’ll see the threads untangling.

He is sometimes messed up,

Confused to the brink, not knowing what he wants to do.

He tries to fit into a new age restaurant,

When what he really wants is to dig in into his mother’s arms.

He is sometimes antique,

He listens to songs that once used to play on a gramophone

While he dances off the beats like a 90s dancing pro.

He is so wise at times,

And can make any crying soul smile,

His words are filled with the aura of efficiency,

His tone is that of learned philosophy.

He is a kid so much it’s almost hard to believe.

He craves for attention in the charming way that makes me fall right in.

 

He is beautiful all the time,

His cracked up morning voice is a serenade.

When he speaks of his passion, its an unending moment,

It could almost make a dead man want to live again

His love is unconditional,

His hatred is an absent factor

Thats what makes him different,

From all the other protagonists in any chapter

To me, he is a mystery i am unfolding

And with every fold i see a part of him that needs embracing.

He stays so quiet even if he wants to speak a million things

Though his eyes say so much about the side he tries to hide through his skin.

There is a bright light behind the dim candle light

That’s why i call him my star because he keeps me enlightened.

Maybe he does not even know,

The million poems i try to write for him

But no lines are perfect enough to fit him to the brim.

I would write the same lines over and over again,

Only to rub them off because there is nothing as perfect as this man.

He is a rough edged gem,

Carved with the most beautiful imperfections.

 

His love is like opium in my veins

There is nothing i have craved for than for him to take my name again and again.

I dont think I’ll ever stop thinking about his face,

And the million other things i have memorised in my head.

A page or two can never be enough to write about him and be done

Because there is always a new side that surprises me, i guess he is The One

Summarising The Head

It’s 2am. Looking through your cellphone?? Probably with no sleep. Probably looking for answers to questions you are unable to put into words. Probably looking at the ceilings with thoughts hammering your head putting you into a shitload of pain and the only conclusion you end up with at 5a.m is sheer nothingness, except a question- “why me?”.

I have no idea what your backstory is, but I certainly know there is one. It could be one big incident or it could be many small events that slowly added up  tormenting your little head with more pressure than it was manufactured to handle. And now, here we are at 2a.m, enjoying isolation. The rest of the world is asleep and they can no longer interrupt our breath. No one to tell us what to do, or no one to stare as we smile at the blank darkness with memories embedded in our minds, or no one to laugh at us as tears roll down our cheeks and our eyes puff up, or no one to tell us to go out because they are just tired of our boring sad presence. Just a beautiful time all alone with someone who knows you so well- Yourself.

I haven’t learnt the art of overcoming this gooey situation. I wish I had the solution of coming out of this feeling. If you’re an introvert, you must be going through hell. How often people misunderstand introverts! Not every person getting along with everyone with that broad smile is an extrovert. Of course, I don’t have to tell you this if you are already reading this piece. You already know the heavy pain of keeping that smile intact and cracking lame jokes even if you have millions of things in your mind ready to blurt out the moment you open your mouth. BUT, you just sit there with that glorious smile of yours and continue with your lamest jokes. We’ve all been there.

At times you feel nothing. You just lie down at your bed. You pretend to sleep so that no one talks to you. Yes, that’s the only reason. You don’t want to talk. You just shift out of conversations. You leave your messages in the middle of nowhere. Your phone is filled with unread chats. You are slowly deleting your contacts one by one. You no longer want to even watch their stories. Your bed is the only world you belong to and there you are, back to feeling nothing. You don’t feel sorry or worry about anything anymore. The strongest emotion in you is anger. This is where shit gets real. You are angry, ALWAYS. Everything pisses you off. You loved how the butterfly flew across your head, it once used to be magical. Now, it’s only a bug that annoys you and shoo it off in that unkind manner. You used to love how your mother called you to eat. Wasn’t it so caring. Now you frequently fight with her because even if you’re hungry, you don’t like being called. You would rather eat alone. Frustration is all over your blood. You are always pissed. You are ready to be rude to anyone at all.

‘I often hate what I’ve become. I feel the urge to go back to being that person people loved and who loved other people. But I don’t want to go back being that person.’- Sounds familiar enough?? Well this is the 2a.m version of you. After the entire day you spend, this is bound to come to your head. Your conscience is still alive but blurred by depression. You don’t want to go back to being that person because you blame yourself. You still believe everything happens because you let it. Is that a tear? A tear without a sob. You must be used to it now. You once tried to understand why your tears flowed but now you just don’t care. Your hands involuntarily wipe it off. You scroll through your phone again hoping something will distract your icky mind, a band aid to forget.

It’s okay. You’ll be alright. You’re not alone. You want someone to talk to so bad but you know you can’t explain what you want to tell to even the closest ones, nor can they understand, however hard you try. So you just let go. Even if you do tell anyone about these sloppy feeling you get so often and try explaining it to them, they’ll ask “Why?”, leaving you with “I don’t know” because you really don’t know. It’s okay. You must think you are beyond repair. We all think it’s all unfixable. But it’s not. Let’s try being optimistic. We’ll find a way. Until we do, lets learn to stop being frustrated. Lets calm down, and this time, FOR REAL.